


Playing Spoons

by ElectricPool



Category: BomBARDed (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, no spoons were harmed in the making of this fanfic, yes i describe how to play spoons for the uninitiated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 12:16:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14592852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElectricPool/pseuds/ElectricPool
Summary: Our fair trio, Chaos Sauce, gets invited to a strange and unfamiliar land called the Felberg Isles by a strange baroness. They're not entirely sure why, but it's sure to be wild.





	Playing Spoons

**Author's Note:**

> first

It was one thing to be invited by a noble that they didn’t know to her estate, halfway across the world. It was another thing to have absolutely no idea who this noble was, or why she “required their presence asap!” 

“Maybe she got our card,” Raz’ul had quipped at the letter. 

Either way, Chaos Sauce was not expecting the spectacle that awaited them at Baroness Kethra Brightwood’s townhouse in Stormholm. 

“You folks ever made it down to Stormholm?” their carriage driver asked as they neared the city.

“Frankly, I don’t think I’d ever heard of these islands until we got here,” piped Randy.

“It’s a rowdy place, Stormholm,” the driver continued, talking almost right over Randy.

“I don’t think he heard you,” Yashee stage-whispered to Randy.

“Run by a buncha nobles and the merchant’s guild, so jack all gets done in the city,” their driver rambled. “Too many lowlifes comin’ in on ships and the like. Th’ bard college in town’s pretty nice, though, gets a lot of traffic.”

“Oh, we’re from Strumlotts,” Raz’ul said.”I’m sure your school is pretty good too, though.” 

“Never heard of it,” the driver said. “Here’s your stop.” 

“Weird. I thought everybody knew about Strumlotts,” Yashee frowned, as the cart drove off.

The trio did their best to follow the instructions left to them by Kethra, though it appeared she’d left them a bit of a puzzle. They ended up at three different taverns in different districts as well as the docks before finally arriving at what they believed to be Baroness Brightwood’s townhouse. The flowers in the window planters were in full bloom, with a meticulously swept front stoop.

“Anybody home?” Yashee called as she knocked on the door. There was no reply.

“Maybe knock a bit louder,” Raz’ul said. “I’ll check the window, see if we beat her here.” 

“Oooor… we could let ourselves in,” Randy winked, already brandishing a lockpick. 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Yashee said. “She did invite us here and pay for the round trip. I feel like that’d be pretty rude.”

“Curtains are all drawn, so I can’t tell!” Raz’ul called from one of the side windows. 

“C’mon, guys, it’ll be quicker if I just-” Randy stopped. A faint giggle could be heard coming from inside the townhouse. He squinted and put an ear to the door. Shuffling and, again, giggling, from just behind the door. Randy pulled away from the door and checked the hinges. “The door opens inwards, and there’s giggling coming from the other side, so we’re probably about to get hella pranked.”

“Bingo!” a muffled feminine voice called through the door, followed by the crashing of metal and thudding and “Damnit!” The door unceremoniously swung open. A blonde human woman, in her mid twenties, lay sprawled on the floor, emerald eyes wide in shock. Paper confetti practically covered her outfit. A bucket rolled around on the floor next to her head. Randy shrugged and walked into the house, followed by the others. 

Raz’ul gently nudged the woman with his foot. “Are, uh… are you okay?”

“M’ mine, my pride’s the only thing that’s wounded,” she replied jovially as she stood up. While taller than the boys, Yashee still loomed over her. The woman brushed herself off and shut the door. “Give me just a minute to grab my lute and I’ll properly introduce myself,” she said, disappearing down the hallway.

“What a strange person,” Randy said, affecting an accent.

“She seems pretty nice,” Yashee agreed, glancing around at the interior of the townhouse. The living room they were in 

_ Well, my name’s Kethra Brightwood _

_ And as you can see _

_ I’ve got no crown or any frown _

_ Three bards I have for tea! _

_ Well, my plight’s not important _

_ And as you can tell _

_ I’m musical, unusual _

_ I am a bard as well! _

_ Well, glad to see you all here _

_ And on this afternoon _

_ Go have a seat and feel the beat _

_ Come play my game of spoons! _

Kethra’s song was short, cute, and to the point. Chaos Sauce promptly took their seats around the table as she shuffled up a deck of cards. “Now, of course, this game does have actual spoons involved in it, but don’t worry about breaking them. I had them made expressly for this purpose.” She laid three bronze spoons out on the table, evenly spaced from all four bards. 

Yashee’s eyes lit up. She went to grab a spoon to test it out. “Looks like you’ve already got half the game down, Yashee!” Kethra laughed, shuffling a deck of sleek playing cards.

“Oh, uh, yeah I guess so,” the half orc replied quizzically.

“So uh, how exactly do you play spoons? The card game, that we’re gonna play, apparently.” Raz’ul frowned as Kethra dealt four cards to each of them.

“It’s pretty simple. Go ahead and look at your cards. You just want four of a kind. You can only have four cards in hand. I’ll be dealer this go around, so I’ll draw a card, decide if I want it, then pass it to Raz’ul. Raz’ul, you’ll pass a card to Yashee, Yashee, you’ll pass a card to Randy, and Randy, you’ll start a discard pile. When you get four of a kind, grab a spoon. Once someone has grabbed a spoon, the other spoons are fair game- you don;Last person to go for a spoon is put, and we play until we have a winner.” Kethra flashed a smile. “Any questions?”

“Yeah,” said Randy, squinting at his cards, “what do we get if we win?”

“You know, that’s a good question!” Kethra paused. “I’ve got disposable income, how does five hundred gold to the winner sound?”

“And if you win?” Raz’ul asked. “We’re, uh, bit light on funds at the moment.”

“You’ll just owe me a favor,” Kethra said, smiling yet again. “Don’t worry, I’m not  some evil baroness trying to pull one over on you. Besides, you all have turn advantage on me.”

Something pricked up in the back of Randy’s mind.  **_Hey, Randy, five hundred cool ones sounds like a pretty sweet deal, huh? Maybe we should, oh, I don’t know, sway the game in our favor?_ ** And as usual, Randy was unable to resist Eddie’s scheming. 

“Oh, and one more thing about this game- it pays to be quick.” Kethra drew a card from the deck and, lightning quick, sent a card Raz’ul’s way. He fumbled with it for a moment before sending a card to Yashee, who had played a lot of Speed in her days and understood a bit of the premise. After several rounds of this, tensions had mounted, cards had been regrettably tossed, and the bards were all eyeing each other as they passed cards looking for that final card they needed to complete their hand. 

Under Eddie’s influence, it was clear to Randy that he’d probably already discarded the card he needed to win. With a quick flick of his wrist as he discarded, he swapped a card out for the one he needed- all aces. Randy greedily grabbed a spoon from the center of the table, followed almost immediately by Kethra and then Raz’ul. Yashee looked a little bummed out that she was already out. “Don’t worry Yashee, we got this!” Raz’ul said.

Randy blinked. Round two.  _ I’m gonna try to, y’know, actually do this without cheating this time, okay? Kethra seems pretty cool and while the money would be nice- _

**_Randy, Randy, Randy, think of all that you could do with that money! You could get an enchanted set of lockpicks from the Commissary, throw card games, cause all sorts of havoc._** Eddie was quite persuasive, but Randy managed to resist the pull for the round as Raz’ul dealt. 

“Are you two ready?” the dwarf asked, setting two spoons down on the table between them. The third spoon was, of course, being tested on the table by Yashee. Small victories. Randy and Kethra nodded, and the game began anew, with Raz’ul at the deck and Kethra at the discard pile. Kethra grabbed the first spoon this time, though it took a minute for the remaining members of Chaos Sauce to notice. Randy was just barely quicker than Raz’ul and managed to snatch the last spoon with little hinderance.

“And then, there were two…” Kethra said. A whistling could be heard from the kitchen. “Ah, there’s the tea! I’ll go pour it.” She got up and left the three alone in the living room.

“Hey, guys, did the letter give any reason why we’re actually here, or did Kethra just invite us to play spoons?” Randy asked.

“I think she just wanted to play spoons,” Yashee said, tapping two of the spoons on the table. “She might be lonely up here.”

“Yeah, but there’s an entire Bard’s College up here, and she’s probably part of the ruling council or married to someone on it,” Raz’ul said, running his hands through his beard. “She probably put this on her schedule like, way in advance.”

“I could have sworn I heard Thieves’ Cant in one of the taverns we stopped at on the way here, though it’s a lot different in this part of the world,” Randy said with a grimace. “I’m a little bit concerned about owing her a favor.”

“She tried to prank us and hardcore failed, I don’t think she’d be capable of doing anything like that,” Raz’ul argued. Before either Yashee or Randy could reply, Kethra came back with a tray of tea cups, all filled almost to the brim.

“I brought out honey, sugar cubes, and cream, although if you put cream in mint tea I might have to judge you just a little,” Kethra said, pouring an obscene amount if honey into her cup. Yashee took a couple of sugar cubes, Randy went for the honey, and Raz’ul drank his plain. “I’m sure you’re all wondering why you’re here,” Kethra noted, taking a sip of her tea. “Mostly because I could hear you clearly from the kitchen. Don’t worry, I take no offense at anything y’all said, a healthy dose of suspicion keeps most people alive.” She glanced around at the shock on all of their faces. “What? I’m allowed to be serious. I may not be multiclassed but I’m certainly no pushover.”

“You were pretty good on that lute,” Yashee said sheepishly.

“Made specially for me,” Kethra beamed. “Thank you, Yashee.”

“Okay, I’ll bite, why  _ did  _ you bring us here? There’s no way you brought us here just to play spoons,” Randy said, taking the deck of cards and shuffling them.

Kethra shrugged and placed the final spoon between them. “My friend Verion heard you guys playing somewhere and recommended you to me, so I did some research, sent the letter, and here you are. I actually did kinda just want to play spoons with you guys, since you all sounded fun.”

“You could have just  _ said _ that,” Raz’ul said, chuckling.

“Oh, now, where’s the fun in that?” Kethra said, grinning. Randy dealt both himself and Kethra in. “Five hundred to Randy, or you all owe me a favor. Chaos Sauce verses the patron bard of Stormholm. Who will win?” she mused.

Randy grabbed a card from the deck and they flew into action. The teacups on the table rattled as Randy and Kethra slammed down cards. No cheers came from the rest of Chaos Sauce; the air was tense with competition. No word from Eddie this time- and even if he had spoken up, Randy was too focused to hear him. One, two, three threes, just needed one more-

And suddenly, just as he drew his last three from the deck, the spoon was gone, held aloft by Baroness Kethra Brightwood as she cheered. “Damn, you’re quick,” Randy sighed, setting his cards down. “Sorry guys, thought I had her there.”

“Nah, Randy, it’s cool,” Yashee shrugged, pocketing the spoons. “Bet whatever she wants us to do’ll be a nice break from Strumlotts.”

“Well, if you all don’t need to  run right back, I kinda wanna hear about your adventures,” Kethra said, putting the deck away. “I haven’t been able to go on a good adventure in a long time, so I’ve been collecting stories from other bards and adventurers in town.”

Randy looked at Raz’ul and Yashee, who nodded back at him. “Yeah, I think we got a bit of time to spare.” 

The rest of the afternoon was spent mildly embellishing the tales of their adventures, with Kethra throwing in hers for good measure. The night, when Chaos Sauce tried to remember it later, was a bit of a blur. Still, good times were had by all, even if they did owe Kethra a favor. 

**Author's Note:**

> ah, the honor of posting the first Bombarded fic on AO3! love the podcast, love the band, absolutely excited to hear the next episode. hope y'all liked my bard Kethra, she's w i l d and has some great stories of her own which I need to keep writing.
> 
> twitter: @roctfactbabe  
> tumblr: electricpoolshark
> 
> follow me for more D&D related nerdery and miscellaneous stuff!


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